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kingmike1224
ya know what, ive gotten tired of the whole bashing whatever aspect of my life is upsetting me...its getting very tiring to bitch and then sulk about it. this journal is meant to get my stuff out, but it never has gotten out..and everything has been nit picking at my brain. so i decided to get my thoughts out of my head...EVERY. LAST. ONE.
- growing up in my house has had bad effects on me, both physically and mentally. the physical abuse i sufferred may be gone, but the emotional abuse is still around, getting worse and driving me slowly insane.
- since i was about 10, the idea of my oldest sister being my mother instead of my sister has plagued me. Shes 17 yrs older, and was involved in a serious relationship around the time i was born. its a thought that peeks its head every now and then.
- love is a very fickle thing. i have always had visions in my head of myself happily with the person of my dreams, watching my kids playing yadda yadda yadda. over time the person im with has changed forms, but its still a constant, yet ive had my heart broken more times than anything
- even driving myself insane and coming out to my mom, i dont think she has grasped anything i ever said. today i told her to hold my book, she looked at it. nothing fazed. she said she would bring it in the house and i said so you can explain to your kids why you are reading gay lit...and she looked at me weird and asked me why i was reading it. *shakes head*
- ive pictured telling the rest of my family, but the reactions i always think of are just heinous...which is probably why i tend not to say anything.
- i swear my family thinks im doing something illegal. i can never be in a room alone by myself for like 10-15 minutes without someone always walking in and bothering me.
- i have absolutely no clue what i will ever become, seeing as some jobs bore me to tears and others arent a real career.
- is it possible to start over, and live life with one different decision made.
- does my heart have a reset button, or like a shield to protect it, cuz i dont think it can take more pain than it has already. i swear off people, people treat me like shit, and yet i cant bring myself to give up, i have to take the abuse people give me and suffer through and in time, it just grows worse and worse.
- i have always believed that someone was watching over me, to protect me and make me stronger as a whole, yet with everything i get handed, this image has just dissipated. i understand that things cant be peachy and nice all the fucking time, but at some point something has definitely got to go my way for once.
i apologize for eating up your friends page with this, and if you feel a need to defriend me for what i have posted, i wish you well in life, and im sorry youve put up with too much of my bitchiness.
- growing up in my house has had bad effects on me, both physically and mentally. the physical abuse i sufferred may be gone, but the emotional abuse is still around, getting worse and driving me slowly insane.
- since i was about 10, the idea of my oldest sister being my mother instead of my sister has plagued me. Shes 17 yrs older, and was involved in a serious relationship around the time i was born. its a thought that peeks its head every now and then.
- love is a very fickle thing. i have always had visions in my head of myself happily with the person of my dreams, watching my kids playing yadda yadda yadda. over time the person im with has changed forms, but its still a constant, yet ive had my heart broken more times than anything
- even driving myself insane and coming out to my mom, i dont think she has grasped anything i ever said. today i told her to hold my book, she looked at it. nothing fazed. she said she would bring it in the house and i said so you can explain to your kids why you are reading gay lit...and she looked at me weird and asked me why i was reading it. *shakes head*
- ive pictured telling the rest of my family, but the reactions i always think of are just heinous...which is probably why i tend not to say anything.
- i swear my family thinks im doing something illegal. i can never be in a room alone by myself for like 10-15 minutes without someone always walking in and bothering me.
- i have absolutely no clue what i will ever become, seeing as some jobs bore me to tears and others arent a real career.
- is it possible to start over, and live life with one different decision made.
- does my heart have a reset button, or like a shield to protect it, cuz i dont think it can take more pain than it has already. i swear off people, people treat me like shit, and yet i cant bring myself to give up, i have to take the abuse people give me and suffer through and in time, it just grows worse and worse.
- i have always believed that someone was watching over me, to protect me and make me stronger as a whole, yet with everything i get handed, this image has just dissipated. i understand that things cant be peachy and nice all the fucking time, but at some point something has definitely got to go my way for once.
i apologize for eating up your friends page with this, and if you feel a need to defriend me for what i have posted, i wish you well in life, and im sorry youve put up with too much of my bitchiness.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-20 11:14 am (UTC)I still believe that love is out there, waiting for you. It just takes time.
My mom is like that too, it's really frustrating, isn't it? Sometimes I don't even think she remembers that I came out to her. As far as the rest of the family is concerned, like you I haven't told them either. I really want to, but, like you, I picture the worst. However, I do believe that we always imagine the worst will happen and more often then not it doesn't come to that in reality. We cant ever know how they will react though until we do it, so our expectations may turn out to be completely wrong. There's no way to know for sure until we do it.
You were doing so good a few days ago, I hope you can feel that way again soon darling. *hugs*hugs*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2005-07-20 05:11 pm (UTC)Don't apologize for using your journal to talk about your thoughts. That's what it's there for. <3333333333333333
no subject
Date: 2005-07-21 05:18 pm (UTC)