(no subject)

[kingmike1224]

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I dont know how, but im in a crappy mood

I think it has alot of causes, but mainly comes down to one central cause...my family (of course you knew that)

Its slowly starting to sink in that next week i'll be home and out of school...getting kicked out isnt fun at all...Welcome to College failout...population: me. I dont want to go home, not in the slightest...i'll just become worse off than now.

Randy sent me yet another IM to go meet up with him..which i ignored. I cant believe he seriously wants me to do that...creep he deserves to get somethi8n bad done to him (though nothing that is too bad)

So i told Brie that my life sucks..to which she told me that no it cant...this cause a whole slew of childhood memories to come flooding back to me...none of the happy family kind.. like getting beaten with bread knives, spatulas, wooden spoons, belts, etc. to a point where the principal of my grade school threatened to call social services on my parents...memories of getting no praise for the good things (like As in school) but the second you do the slightest thing wrong got a beating...even to the point where my friends never wanted to come to my house cuz my parents would chew them out, and on friday nights when my dad came home drunk, my friends wanted to run for the hills.

Some people online who i used to talk to daily for hours on end just seem to be slowly vanishing from my life, and i just cant help that its me they are running from. I just used to be a very happy kid with no cares, and then *poof* everything changed...and then slowly it started to get to me. i think my spirit has completely died and has witherred away...leaving me with nothing. no will to live or thrive even. People try to build up my esteem and stuff..they tell me how absolutely great I am and how hott i am and compassionate and...you get the idea...but i just cant seem to take these and put a positive spin on me...its like i cant

at times i just wanna put myself into a deep seculded place and cut contact with everyone...i know that other people would probably be happier...so thats all that matters *shrugs*

Now that i depressed myself enough...i think ill go hide under my covers and cry myself to sleep

Comments

[mattymattymatty.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about all that stuff that went on in your childhood. *hugs* I never knew.

I certainly wouldn't be happier if you put yourself into a deep, secluded place, and I don't think that many (if any) other people would either. And your happiness is very important, I just wish you could see that.

*hugs* You're not alone, we all care abot you. Remember that, ok?

[x2k.livejournal.com]

My god - that's really horrible, I had no idea of the anguish you've kept hidden *hugs*

Don't disappear though, everything that's happened to you in the past, as bad as it was, has made you who you are today. And that person you've become is a damn good one.

Your friends can see it and I'm sure they all care for you. Those who are real friends will always stick by you. Those who don't, don't deserve your friendship.

Self esteem & confidence grow over time. A few nice words aren't enough to suddenly boost you - at least not longer term. You need to surround yourself with decent people who care for you and avoid those that bring you down.

I've learnt this all too recently. You'll get through this and be a stronger, happier person for it. Although it's easier said than done, as I've been finding out myself lately.

I may be on the other side of the pond but I'm always here if you need a friendly, sympathetic ear :-)

[music07.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I know my hug isn't enough, not a billion hugs would fix anything.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but trust me you'll regret it if you seclude yourself and don't force yourself through it. Things will get better, but only if you work to make it happen. You have to want it in order to get it. And I for one want to see you get what you deserve and that definitely isn't all this.

Some may be running away, but I'm not, I know what I've got in you and I plan to keep it. You are a totally awsome person with a great heart. I'm always going to be here for you when you need me. *hugs*

[sparklediamant.livejournal.com]

First of all, I love you. You are an important friend in my life, one of my very best. Please do not think that I am running away from you - I don't have internet due to the idiocy of a certain roommate. I'm worrying about you, and I'm going to have to give you a call tomorrow night after I get off of work. *hugs and loves*